Not So Different
by Clownfood
Summary: Charles Xavier would never admit it - not even to himself for many years - but he did not want to be different. Falling in love with Erik was by default different and he fought it every step of the way. Spoilers for X-men: First Class, minor hurt/comfort.


**Authors Notes of Canon-Breach:** I'm messing up the timeline from First Class a little bit to give Erik and Charles more time together before Cuba. In my story it goes: Assemble team of mutants - Go to Xaviers for training to control powers - Shaws attack on the mutants while they're off site visiting CIA for assessment or some other vague reason - More training at Xaviers - Cuba. English is not my native language and I might have been a but 'adventurous' with the grammar.

* * *

Charles had never wanted to be different. He might not admit it, not even to himself - at least not for many years - but he had never had any desire to stray from the norm. Perhaps it was the privileged curse of growing up with money - while other children dreamed of being royalty Charles dreamed of a normal life with parents who were not just occasional guest-appearances in his life between boarding school and their yearly summer tour of the world.

When he started hearing voices in his head he wished for nothing else but to have them silenced. He was a brilliant boy even at nine and he was educated enough in the loveless care of his very expensive schools to know that nothing good would come from talking to any adult about hearing voices. He desperately wanted to, but he knew the staff was already thinking him too posh and he did not want them to believe him stranger than he already was. Even after he realized he was in fact not crazy he would gladly trade his new-found superpower for the ability to make just one friend.

He would delude himself that he instantly took to Raven because she was just as lonely as he was, but the truth was that he felt normal in comparison to her, and he enjoyed that more than he cared to tell anyone.

Charles had never wanted to be different, yet he always seemed to become special. He was born of wealth, turned out to be a very powerful mutant and a brilliant student within his field, to both amazement and envy of his fellow students. It was enough differences. Charles did not want to keep piling them on, which was probably why he usually had such "bad luck" with women. He came on too strong, desperate to prove to himself and the world around him that he was not that different. However, when he managed to date someone, they would usually break it off after a short while because of Charles poorly hidden uninterest in them. Their first initial praise of him to their friends ("We can just sit up _all night_ and just talk about biological anthropology!") quickly became complaints ("Biological anthropology is about as physical as he gets").

When he met Erik, Charles finally admitted yet another difference between himself and the norm, but it did not feel as bad as he had thought it would. Instead, it was kind of a relief and as his friendship with Erik grew, as his little band of mutant students started to form, he began to feel as if all those differences might not matter much, and they might not be worth struggling against.

* * *

He had never been as tempted to abuse his power as he was with Erik. It would be so easy to simply enter his mind and see if there was anything there to indicate that the other man might harbor the same feelings that Charles had finally started to admit to himself. He resisted the urge though, perhaps because he was afraid to find out that the stolen glances and shared smiles did not mean the same things to Erik as it did to Charles.

As time passed Erik and he started to search each others company, to spend their evenings discussing books or play chess and have heated discussions about philosophy. Other times they would sit on the front porch together, watching the student play super-powered sports on the front lawn and simultaneously scold them when a window was inevitably smashed.

"Sorry, mom and dad!" Sean once called jokingly as he headed indoors to clean up the mess he made after a stern order from Erik.

"You're 'mom'" Erik leaned in and whispered to Charles, his breath hot on the other mans ear.

"I most certainly am not" Charles huffed in pretended scorn which was ruined by the smile he could not help giving Erik.

As the lawn cleared of students and Erik was holding Charles gaze with his steel-grey eyes, the telepath contemplated the short distance between his and Eriks faces and how easy it would be to close it.

But he did not.

* * *

One time in the library Charles asked Erik to hand him a pen and accidentally referred to him as "Darling", to which the other man responded by laughing warmly and delivering the pen, without using his magnetism, with a "Here you go, love". As Charles took the pen from his friend their hands met for a brief moment and he considered curling his fingers over Eriks.

But he did not.

* * *

As time passed their arguments grew more heated. Suddenly their light-hearted disagreements on philosophy where no longer simple and they towered over them as ideological walls neither of them could soon hope to be able to breach. Erik thought Charles naive and he in turn believed that Erik was too set in his ways of anger and revenge.

Their quiet, polite discussions often turned into shouting matches when they thought no one in the mansion was there to hear them. After one such fallout that had been unusually intense they had both been at a loss of words, standing face to face with the blood from the argument running hot in their veins. With nothing else left to say Charles thought about finally using the only three words that could possibly matter to him.

But he did not.

* * *

After Darwins death and Angels betrayal Charles attempted to comfort the students best he could, which eventually meant resorting to simple mind control to get them all to sleep as he could not deal with the emotional stress of it all. He shut himself in his study after committing this breach of trust and attempted to let grief overcome him, yet he was not able to shed a tear. He felt he should but the simple relief of breaking down eluded him. Eventually, Erik joined him, silently entering the room and closing the heavy door behind him.

"Don't" Charles spoke without turning to watch Erik cross the heavy carpet "Whatever you have to say, whatever accusation of my leniency towards pursuing Shaw you have to make, just don't"

"Not tonight" the other man responded and the sharp edge of his words that Charles had grown accustomed to over the past weeks was gone.

He sat down on the old leather couch where the telepath was sitting clutching his head, his usually neat dark hair a mess beneath his fingers.

"Is this the first time you've lost someone?" Erik asked and there was no accusation of Charles growing up spoiled and free of struggle in his voice.

"No" Charles replied silently, remembering his father's accident and the ever-absent mother who had died only years later "But not like this. This wasn't a disease or something natural, this was cruelty. He was… god, I don't even know how old he was."

"It was murder" Erik said softly and put an arm around the other man's shoulders, pulling him close before continuing "It wasn't your fault, Charles"

"He shouldn't have… If I hadn't"

"If you carry the guilt of other men's misdeeds you're going to break very fast in this world" Erik sought his face, attempting to get eye-contact underneath the tuft of messy hair before continuing in an impossible low murmur "I need you whole, Charles"

That did it. The professor was finally able to cry over this lost student and instead of creating distance between himself and the grieving telepath Erik wrapped his other arm around Charles and hugged him close, almost pulling the smaller man into his lap in the process.

"We'll make this right" he whispered into the dark brown hair and Charles feared that they had very different opinions on what that meant, but in that moment he did not want to care.

Instead he buried his head in Eriks shoulder, clinging to him in a way that he would in a less exposed situation find very embarrassing. As Charles hands grabbed the other mans shirt for support he contemplated not ever letting go.

But he did.

* * *

During the next few days as politics started to pry them apart they became more desperate to hold on to each other. Charles could not help but feel that maybe it was because they both knew their time was suddenly limited and so many words were still unspoken. Disagreements that would have become arguments were suddenly halted mid-sentence in fear of breaking what ever that thing was that existed between them. Perhaps this is why things went down as they did, as Charles had simply not wanted to see what Erik was becoming and how different they truly were.

* * *

And then Cuba happened, and then the hospital, and then the physical therapy that led nowhere and then back to a mansion that suddenly felt so much larger than it had when Charles had last left it. Moira had come with him, because confined to a chair, yet again an unwished broken norm forced upon him, Charles just wanted to feel less different.

But he did not.

* * *

**Authors Second Note:** I Just want to point out that "Biological anthropology is about as physical as he gets" is a very, very topical joke and I feel incredibly clever to have come up with it. Also, I intended this as a oneshot but I might just kinda wanna write more Cherik, so I'm leaving it open for now. This entire story is basically based on how incredibly fast Charles and Moria hooked up without any chemistry or even any screen time together on the movie. Sure they get married in the comics but MAN was that fast, and there is no mention of her what so ever in DOFP, so I basically wanted to write something about how Charles kinda can't accept all of his differences, especially not after being paralyzed. This is my fist Cherik (and even x-men related) fic so I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
